3/19/10 feeling a little lighter

one of the benefits of losing weight is that your clothes don't fit anymore. i would say that's a good problem to have. my mon-fri wardrobe consists of various shirts/jackets & 5 pairs of pants-2 black, 1 gray, 1 brown and 1 wine/burgundy. of these 5, the gray pants are the only pair that don't look like i'm wearing a tarp.(it has a drawstring) so, i guess i need to go shopping, huh? i am reluctant about buying new clothes because the plan is to keep losing weight. i'm not sure how this works...any suggestions? last week i went out shopping for a brown skirt; nothing fancy, just a plain brown skirt. i found one, tried it on and it was too big....great, right? do you know i tried to convince myself to buy that skirt even though it was waayyy too big? i've heard stories of people who lose weight and still shop for the size they use to wear...is that what i'm doing? i didn't buy the skirt, but even after i got home, i was still telling myself i should have bought it! maybe i shouldn't go shopping alone...this is weird. when i look in the mirror, i do see that my body is changing a little, but my mind hasn't gotten there yet. does ANYONE know what i'm talking about? oh great, another thing to talk to my therapist about!LOL

like i said, this is all new to me. I have never lost this much weight at one time. it's a little scary, but i'm gonna continue because i like the way i feel....ok, i like the way i look, too!

all of me,
Char

3/15/10 a little houskeeping

its been an interesting time for me lately, not in a great way, but not in a bad way either. this whole journey to 40 is about more than losing weight. its about moving forward, finding strength i never had before and saying good bye to bad habits.

i have re-kindled relationships from high school with people i have truly missed having in my life... thanks facebook. i have also said NO to people i would typically ALWAYS say yes to....feels sooooo good! there are places that i no longer go; physically or emotionally because whenever i go there, i do, say or eat something that i regret later. i'm cleaning house...its difficult, but needful.

for the first time, in a long time, my emotions are balanced and i am not eating everything in sight! somedays, i just want to forget about the hard work i've put in, visit the nearest buffet and throw down! its in those moments, one of the kids is asking "what time are you going to the gym, mom?" its those gentle reminders that keep me accountable; reminding me that its not just about me...even though i thought it was.

all of me,
Char

3/6/10- why arent there any brownies in this house?!

this week has been exhausting- physically and emotionally. i cried a lot, but i didnt eat a lot which would have been my reaction to stressful situations. i even surprised myself! have you ever heard food call your name? no, really, you can hear it calling you.....ccchhhaaarrllooottttteeeee, i'm downstairs waiting for you....come and say hello to me! i know food doesnt audibly call you, but sometimes i think i can hear it. one night this week, i was extremely upset and was in search of anything that wasnt labeled low fat,fat free or zero trans fat. i couldnt find anything that would give me the satisfaction that my flesh wanted. what did i do? I ATE AN APPLE!!!! really? an apple? so, i'm eating this apple,crying my eyes out; mad that i didnt have any cookies/cake/brownies/ in the house. as i was crying, i began to laugh because in times past, i would have gotten in the car and drove to the closest store that was open...oh, what a change in me!

there is a verse in the bible that says, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...so true! i have spent so many years giving my flesh whatever it wanted; never really listening to the spirit when it came to my eating habits. well, holy spirit, i think you finally got my attention!

all of me,
Char