12/7/12 Tell the truth and shame the devil

i haven't posted anything since august...WOW!!!! so much has happened since then. my momma in law passed away,  turned 40, completed physical therapy and now its almost the end of the year. its not like you've been waiting to hear from me, but i have not held up my end of this whole blogging thing.

now on to the reason for this post. i have avoided writing because i was ashamed. ashamed of what?  since feb., i have gained back 25 of the 60 lbs i had lost. i could blame it on the back injury or life events (actually i have blamed it on those things) but today, i take responsibility for allowing this to happen. the first step to moving forward is acknowledging that there is a problem. i avoided the scale for months, but my clothes and the mirror reminded me of the truth everyday. looking back, i can see moments of depression and anxiety when i used food for comfort.

so, where am i now? i'm in a better place emotionally and physically. i made this confession about 2 weeks ago to the hubster and my sister friend (one of my accountability partners). they offered great advice and love while reminding me to get my butt back in gear! if you don't have people like that in your life, i advise you to find someone ASAP! if i were left alone with my thoughts for too long,  i would be a dangerous person.LOL. i'm back in the gym 4 days a week, eating better and no longer feeling ashamed. am i getting it right everyday? NO! but, i can now see my errors and move past them. i've said it many times and its always worth repeating, THIS IS A JOURNEY!!! its taking me longer than expected to reach my destination, but i will get there, oh yes, I WILL GET THERE!!!

devil, you thought you had me, huh? you picked the wrong chick......SUCKA!!!!!!!


all of me,
Char

8/7/12- Where's my hair???

After  8 years of wearing my hair in locs, i cut it. it wasn't a spare of the moment thing, i've been planning it for months. when i first locked my hair, i said 5 years or til i turn 40. well, i'll be 40 in a few months and i went well past the 5 years. so, why cut it? i felt like it was time. i wasn't enjoying my hair as much as i use to and i knew i wanted a new look as i approached 40. now i am rocking a TWA....teeny weeny afro and i love it!!! ok, that's a lie, i like it....i think.

i didn't realize it, but for 8 years, i've been hiding behind my hair. only when i walk past a mirror is when i remember that its gone. yes, my head feels lighter, but mentally, i still have my locs.  i feel exposed and extremely fat. my face is front and center and i'm not really comfortable with that. so, do i still think cutting my hair was the right thing to do? ABSOLUTELY!!! why? being exposed helps you face the truth.  remorse (usually) doesn't set it until 24-36 hours after you do something and it slapped me hard in the face the next morning. i was searching in my closet for the BIGGEST shirt i could find to cover up. I. FELT. NAKED.


as you can see from the date (8/7)  this entry has been sitting for a few weeks...today is 8/27. i am feeling much more comfortable with my hair, but still adjusting. i was walking down the hall at work today and turned the corner real quick and was waiting to feel my hair land on my back! i had to laugh at myself,  so use to swinging it around. LOL.  do i still feel exposed? yes, but again, exposure brings forth truth.


if you are loosing weight, cutting your hair, changing jobs, whatever; expect to go through a grieving process. i know it may sound silly about getting a haircut, but we become attached to things and once they are gone, it can be tough.  of course, cutting your hair is nothing in comparison to losing someone you love.  i wasn't expecting to feel that at all! this experience has truly been an eye opener.



all of me,
Char

7/31/12- not where i use to be

while i was checking myself out in the mirror this morning, i started finding all the things wrong with me....fat arms, back fat, thick thighs, etc. i stopped myself and said out loud "you use to weigh 330 lbs.....USE TO!" i walked closer to the mirror, smiled and again said out loud "be proud of what you've done, GOOBER!" ok, these are the kind of talks i have with myself on a daily basis. yes, i ask myself questions and answer them..lol.

the point of this entry is to remind myself (and you, too) that we are on our way to where we wanna be. it doesnt matter if you just started today or if you've been on the journey for 3 years, progress is being made. i wanted to be so much further along by now, but i'm not! today i will be grateful for the 60lbs i have lost so far and keep it moving! sometimes you gotta encourage yourself because we dont always have someone around to support or remind us. aint nothing wrong with talking to yourself!


all of me,
Char

7/2/12- gotta keep it moving

i'm waiting for the results of my mri......WAITING SUCKS! the pain in my back has moved down my right leg and it hurts like....WOW!!!! the pain actually takes my breath away. i try so hard not to cry, but sometimes, i just cant help it. i've had to become creative with working out while in pain. i'm focusing more on upper body and chore strengthening exercises. i'm also back in the pool, no stress on my back and the water feels great!

sometimes my emotions get the best of me and i eat things that i shouldnt, but for the most part, i've been eating clean, little to no dairy, lean meats, veggies, fruit, nuts and lots water. i'm on vacation this week and dont want to get off track with eating right.


i saw a dear friend on yesterday (hi Paula!) and she encouraged me to keep writing. honestly, i havent really felt like sharing much lately, but the whole point of this blog is about being accountable.....sharing good and bad, but always being honest with myself and others. thanks for the reminder, Paula :)


all of me,
Char

Marathon Runner

 I've said it, heard it, read it and even received it in a text message this morning (thanks, charlie). the journey is like a marathon, not a sprint. i often forget that, especially when things aren't going my way. there will be ups and downs, high and lows, but what i have to do is remember the destination and know that i will get there. sometimes, i get frustrated and feel totally lost. that's when i re-read the plan that i wrote 3 years ago, dust myself off and get my butt back on track. it may take me longer than i originally planned, but i will lose the weight......period!!!

I.WILL. FINISH. STRONG.


all of me,
Char

backing it up!

its been a minute....what's up?? well, as some of you may know, i injured my back in february.  a wrong move during zumba class and OUCH!!!! xrays revealed that the lower region or the L5 was jacked up! yes, that's a medical term. LOL. the xrays also revealed that i have degenerative disc disease which scared me at first, but after some reading and talking to my chiro, i learned that it's pretty common. even a few of my fb friends have it. anyway, i've had a few untreated back injuries over the years and that can be one of the causes. i can remember being a kid and having problems with back (car accident) and later in my teens and especially after the birth of my children. so, what has this meant as far as my workouts? it has meant that i have been very limited. after 8 chiro adjustments, i was feeling pretty good and decided i could go back to praise dance at church. the chiro reminded me that just because i was feeling better didn't mean i was done healing.....recovery NOT recovered. i wasn't trying to be disobedient, but i just missed moving and dancing and spinning so much. well, guess who wont be moving and dancing and spinning for a while? i feel like i am starting over as far as working out. i am limited to walking and stretching. and though both are great, i had gotten use to doing more. but if i don't wanna jack my back up even more (yep, still a medical term) then i have to chill. for real, for real, i'm little depressed about it and its showing up in my eating. this from a girl who loathed exercise cause it made you breath too hard. now i miss dancing and weight lifting and even pretending to be a runner. LOL. i'm kinda of an all or nothing kinda person and if i can't do it full force, then i don't wanna do it. so to me, if i can't lift weights like i use to, then i'm not gonna do it at all! or if i can't walk as fast as i use to.....you get what i'm saying.  my husband reminded me that i need to listen to my body (and him) and do what i can for now. i gotta keep it moving forward! how he gonna use MY motto against me? LOL


this week i have done little to no exercise, but i plan to change that ASAP! i can still walk, right? i can still do use resistance bands, right?  i can still work on getting these flabby arms in shape with hand weights, right? i will not allow depression to set in and keep me from my goal. sometimes, it seems so close and other times it seems so far away, but at all times, i'm on my way there.


all of me,
Char

find your beautiful

in my last post (ok, i know its been a while) i talked about facing my food issues. i am currently reading a book titled, made to crave by lisa terkeurst. its a great book; revealing that its actually NOT food that we crave. if you are interested in knowing more, BUY THE BOOK! www.madetocrave.org

in the 2 years that i've been transforming my body, i also have been transforming my mind. for years, i always thought of myself as a fat girl....PERIOD! never seeing myself as beautiful;never accepting the gifts and talents that God placed inside of me. But now, i see and know that I AM BEAUTIFUL!! its beyond a physical thing, but that is part of it. i do take more time on my physical appearance...hair,clothes, makeup. my husband says i enjoy taking pictures now. but, i think i take even more time on cultivating my gifts, talents and relationships. these are the things that make me feel beautiful.

be your best you. FIND YOUR BEAUTIFUL.



all of me,
Char

we fall down, but we get up

NEVER, EVER, NO NEVER go grocery shopping when you are hungry!!!! i thought i was superwoman, and thought i was strong enough to do it..... HA!!!!!!! after i load the groceries in the car, i am shoving cookies in my mouth; looking like the cookie monster. once i came out of my cookie coma, i wanted to cry. instead, i text'd my hubby and told him of my indiscretion. he was understanding, but firm in reminding me of my goal. it's only by the grace of God that i didn't gain a million pounds overnight.

there is still much work to be done. since i was a kid, food has been a major factor in my life... more than i wanted to admit. but once i admitted it and started being honest with myself, i knew i could do something about it. admitting you have a problem is half the battle. the other half is doing something about. I'M DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.....ARE YOU????

all of me,
Char